|
TPA audio player
|
Why we hope you DON’T fit in to this community
Author: Stronghold System
Proof reader: Harmony
“When it is safe to show all of you& freely, it is more healing than being liked by people who have the intent to misunderstand.” – Stronghold.
We desire to continually cultivate a community (and a society at large, but that is a story for another day) where we don’t have to hide our Plural selves. Where we can take off our one or many singularsona masks, in order to fit in with the singular normative world, with the goal to avoid discrimination, abuse, other pain or feelings of shame.
Removing that mask is, for Many, a difficult and long process, where various Headmates have their own opinions, ideas, beliefs and actions they take. Many mask subconsciously. Many of us might believe the mask keeps us safe and sometimes—or for some, often times—it does. Many of us might fear what happens when we take off the mask. I think in the end, most find that sometimes the mask is for the greater good and other times it is just easier that way.
![‘’We mask [our Plurality] to fit in, we take the mask off to find belonging.’’ The Stronghold System](https://ercgf2bv99s.exactdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/there-is-beauty-in-the-struggle.-we-are-in-this-together.-1024x1024.png?strip=all&lossy=1&ssl=1)
Or as Brene Brown explains:
‘’True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are. […]In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I’ve discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.
Many of us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted, (Take it from me: I’m an expert fitter-inner!) But we’re not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking.” – Brene Brown.
One way to ensure a ‘fitting in culture’, over a ‘belonging one’ is gatekeeping. This, however, doesn’t just lead to folks trying to fit in, nor just to masking. It also leads to folks either dismissing, diminishing or exaggerating their signs and symptoms in order to be heard, validated, respected or allowed to stay in, or part of, the group.
A part of the problem with gatekeeping is that those communities become smaller and narrower over time. It doesn’t necessarily mean that their numbers don’t increase, but it means that the rules of who are allowed to join, who is accepted and who can stay, narrows down more and more over time. Often leading to arbitrary rules, exclusionism and often re-traumatization, as most who get accused are actual Systems. It leads to a culture where you could be accepted within the group one day, and not the next, because a new rule was added or changed, deciding what is and isn’t acceptable or ‘real’ or ‘true.’
If you want to learn more about 'real' and 'true' we highly recommend the following 2 short videos.
Books have been written about the topic of group pressure, and the harms it can inflict. Especially online, where we have an anonymity mask (different from masking Plurality) that we can hide behind and where things move so fast. It is easy to not check in with your own feelings, let alone with your Headmates, and instead, respond from a place of bias and/or hurt. This is why it is so important to not build groups, but communities. Where we don’t just debate with strangers on the internet, but where we realize we are talking with someone inside our community. Then from that realization, work to accept them, for who they say they are, just as we long for ourselves. If only because we know it is the only way we can truly empathize with them. Believing (in) each other, lifting each other up, encouraging each other, modeling Plurality in its many ways, is so important.
No, the Singularnormative world isn’t safe for Plurals. Yes, it takes an immense amount of privilege (and courage) to live as openly, visibly Plural. But, I’m not focusing on being openly Plural in the wider world today, I’m talking about being openly Plural, with yourself/ves and within the Plural community.
Our system(s), is our most important community. I 100% dare to bet that you can’t run another external community successfully, if your internal community isn’t running successfully first; not perfectly, or without flaw, but successfully nonetheless.
We can only create a Plural safe(r) space in the outside world after and when our Headmates find a Plural safe(r) space inside our internal community, culture and world.
If we can’t create our own safe(r) spaces internally, or we aren’t or don’t feel safe within externally created Plural specific spaces, created by and for other Plurals, then how can we expect the world to accommodate us and make the world a safe(r) space for Plurals?
Not a member of The Plural Association Community yet? Sign up by clicking here.
We still have to do so much envisioning of what Plural culture actually looks like and can look like, because for so many years, it was forbidden for (disordered) Plurals to meet up together. Actually, it still is. Each conference, each meetup, each group chat goes against the ISSTD guidelines and against ToSD. Even though more recent theories like PolyVagal theory show that connection is so important.
Together, it is truly possible to create safe(r) spaces, where folks can talk and express their experiences and feelings freely, in a judgement free zone, among peers who have similar (but not the same) experiences, whilst realizing at the same time we are all at a different place on the path of life. And when we meet, briefly or for a longer periods, we can choose to share the path we walk on now, talk and exchange stories, resources, knowledge, internal/eternal wisdom and insights. We can cultivate deep connections, if we allow ourselves and each other to be and show their authentic self/ves.
This is why we hope you don’t fit in here, but instead find belonging.
– Stronghold.
PS. If you are wondering why this doesn’t mention anything about overt vs covert and the DMS, that topic warrants an article by it self or maybe we will write a part 2 of this article.
As always, we encourage you and your System to follow your own truth, to soul search, to find words, labels, visions, theories and communities that aren’t only within your values but also match your lived experience and/or long term goals, so that you might find belonging and don’t have to try to fit in.
Thank you for investing the time to read this article. Please, feel free to leave comments or feedback in the comment section.
Thank you for investing the time to read this article. Please feel free to leave comments or feedback in the comment section.
The Plural Association is the first and only grassroots, volunteer and peer-led nonprofit empowering Plurals. Our works, including resources like this, are only possible because of support from Plurals and our allies.
If you found this article helpful, please consider making a donation.
Together we empower more Plurals!
Disclaimer: Thank you for reading our peer article; we hope it was empowering, informative and helpful for you and your System. There are as many Plural experiences, as there are Plurals. So not all information on this website might apply to your situation or be helpful to you; please, use caution. We’re not doctors or clinicians and our nonprofit, our work, and this website in no way provide medical advice, nor does it replace therapy or medication in other ways.
About the authors
The Stronghold System are the proud volunteer founders & CEO of The Plural Association Nonprofit. They are from the Netherlands and reside in a 30-something-year-old body, are nonbinary, parents of an amazing child & 3 cats. They got diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder over 10 years ago & also self ID as Plural.
Pingback: Pluralizing VS Splitting off in Dissociative Identity Disorder / OSDD - powertotheplurals.com