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Someone asked me to write something about persecutors and protectors. I’m sure we ourselves have participated in the ‘persecutors are misguided protectors’ point of view in the past, but we don’t look at it like that anymore.
Back in 2017, Lisa recorded a video about how she was a persecutor but now feels like she is a protector. In this article we give our most recent views on this topic, but we thought for historical purposes it would be good to include Lisa’s original video:
Instead, we now feel that protectors and persecutor labels are used like high and low functioning labels are used, for example in Autism. This often leads to protectors being labeled as high functioning and with that do not get the help or support they need. Persecutors, on the other hand, are often labeled as low functioning and with that aren’t trusted, expected to make bad choices, and sometimes they are even looked down on.
This leads most definitely to a selves-fulfilling prophecy. You treat someone like they are bad or make bad choices and they for sure will continue to do so, because they are expected to. Instead, it works a lot better to learn nonviolent communication techniques and discover what lays behind their behavior and see how you together can meet those needs better.
The black and white thinking of the persecutor vs protector label can really harm the internal community and harmony that Systems (try to) create together.
Be proactive and discover how you can help each other to stay within your individual and collective window of tolerance. We all deserve support, no matter the labels we use or the roles we take upon ourselves or were forced into.
We want to challenge you, if it is safe for you all, to assume positive intent and to build connection and community with each other inside. We all make mistakes, and we learn together and from each other. We have to hold ourselves accountable and ensure we do not become like our abusers. We have the chance to change the dynamics we have inside, we actively choose how we treat each other, and hopefully we choose to do it with understanding, empathy and compassion.
It might help to remember that you do not have to go at this alone. Your Headmates can help you. Some of you might be better at this than others and that is okay, it’s okay to use each other’s individual strengths to make it better for the whole collective. Cultivating an internal culture of respect, equity and compassion is a worthy time investment.
We found that sometimes we slipped into looking at some of our Headmates in the same ways they were seen by our abusers. Sometimes we even reacted in the same way to them as our abusers did, this especially happened in shame responses. So we asked ourselves multiple times over the years, who was actually persecuting who.
We aren’t perfect, and we learn and grow each and every day together. But we have noticed that truly letting go of the persecutor vs protector labels and thinking, has improved the long-term quality of life of all our Headmates. Our protectors now can ask and receive help and support. Working together like this often leads to doing a better job at it in the first place.
Our persecutors aren’t shamed or shunned anymore. Instead, they find support inside and over time they have learned to ask for help upfront instead of afterwards. We wish this for all of you all! And we sincerely hope the work we and others do with The Plural Association Nonprofit helps you and your System to find the empowerment and support you individually and collectively deserve. Together we are stronger, power to the Plurals.
If you want to learn more about persecutors we highly recommend this video from The Plural Positivity World Conference 2022:
As always, we encourage you and your System to follow your own truth, to soul search, to find words, labels, visions, theories and communities that aren’t only within your values but also match your lived experience and/or long term goals, so that you might find belonging and don’t have to try to fit in.
Thank you for investing the time to read this article. Please, feel free to leave comments or feedback in the comment section.
The Plural Association is the first and only grassroots, volunteer and peer-led nonprofit empowering Plurals. Our works, including resources like this, are only possible because of support from Plurals and our allies.
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Disclaimer: Thank you for reading our peer article; we hope it was empowering, informative and helpful for you and your System. There are as many Plural experiences, as there are Plurals. So not all information on this website might apply to your situation or be helpful to you; please, use caution. We’re not doctors or clinicians and our nonprofit, our work, and this website in no way provide medical advice, nor does it replace therapy or medication in other ways.
About the authors
The Stronghold System are the proud volunteer founders & CEO of The Plural Association Nonprofit. They are from the Netherlands and reside in a 30-something-year-old body, are nonbinary, parents of an amazing child & 3 cats. They got diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder over 10 years ago & also self ID as Plural.